Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was
f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship...
she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she
wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Teacher asks Billy;
"If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"