Trafalgar 2009
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.
What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lestit be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it!Äfull
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch
of water."
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also
said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case Kiss me Hardy."
Benny
