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#441
September 1st, 2015, 22:55
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"  Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two @rseholes." "What? He had two @rseholes?" said the mortician.  "Yup, everyone knew he had two @rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two @rseholes'. .. 
__________________
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here. 
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#443
October 5th, 2015, 21:39
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I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
Well after two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. . A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh not much drink these days and I hardly smoke' I replied . 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs? I said, 'Not much, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, surfing, hiking, or cycling? ' 'No, I don't,' I said. She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said... She looked at me and said, 'Then, why the fuc'k do you want to live to be 90?
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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#444
October 7th, 2015, 12:18
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Two guys (Bill & Fred) were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
 Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you ? Fred replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name ?'  ___________________________________________ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! - What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'  _____________________________________
__________________
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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#445
October 7th, 2015, 13:01
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When asked what was the real reason he resigned,Dick Advocaat said.
At the start of the season someone threw a glass of lemonade over me and it has snowballed from there 
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#446
October 10th, 2015, 16:00
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A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said, "Can you please help me, i don't know what hole i'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 7; and you are on 6". He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I'm sorry to bother you but i'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole i'm on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i'm on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I''m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?". She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but i couldn't fu'ckin help it. " I sell toilet paper, I'm still one hole behind you" 
__________________
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
Last edited by bennythedip2; October 10th, 2015 at 16:06.
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#447
October 18th, 2015, 12:32
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under for an operation, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God No!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side effects." "Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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