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#121
November 9th, 2009, 21:58
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Brilliant
 Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Yep, brings back memories of school 
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I think I got the message across
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#122
November 10th, 2009, 06:47
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Quote:
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.. The July Festival Tipster Starts Thursday... .. 
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#123
November 11th, 2009, 07:33
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How do you make 5 old ladies swear out loud???
Get one to shout 'BINGO' !!!
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#125
November 24th, 2009, 09:55
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A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer..
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!' 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?' 'Dunno...Never found the head!
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#127
January 30th, 2010, 00:09
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Soooo funny !
I thought you guys and gals might like this ...soooo funny !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSaWW9vuow 
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here. 
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#128
February 7th, 2010, 23:21
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POKER CRUISE with Ladbrokes ..
A few moths ago I wrote around 20 blogs or stories for SkyPoker, and with satellites for the new Cruise Tournament in 2011 on Ladbrokes, ...well this is a story of the Ladbrokes Cruise back in 2006 .....
"In Search of Finian's Rainbow, and the Philosophers Stone" ! A time for reflection to meditate and doze, is when I lug bin-bags of dirty knickers around to the laundrette for it's fortnightly wash and settle in for the Sunday afternoon. The laundrette is a place of pleasure for doing bug ger all whilst still sorting your life out and laughing to yourself about the past. It's a virtuous inactivity, it washes you whiter-than-white. Games abound too, like watching the tumble of a green sock as it gallivants on its fortnightly vacation away from your feet. Or you can eavesdrop on the squabbles of couples who have resolved to do all their domestic chores together. There is also the chance to work your karma by being absurdly nice to the cackling biddies who do the service wash. I become the perfect gentleman, laugh at their jokes and make saucy comments about corned beef thighs and @rses like two badly parked VW Beetles. And if this is too much , I can still immerse myself in the mantra of the machines, as the water thrashes about like an ocean spray with what appear to be flying fish but is actually my underwear. It is just at this moment when I find myself back on a cruise ship sailing out of Miami, heading for the Caribbean and the Virgin Islands to play Poker in what would be the biggest prize I had played for, a tournament for..$250,000 to the winner..... The journey out, the flight over the Atlantic above the cloud ceiling, also leaving my passport on the coach from the airport to the key-side and trying to board the ship without it !!(sigh) The memories come flooding back , frantic calls to the bus station and then the lady driver getting the passport back to me 30 mins before the ship would have left. As I was boarding, some late stragglers were coming up the gangway including a few of the American dealers who had been hired for the job in the card room. One (a lady in her late thirties or early forties i'd guess) said to me in a deep southern accent, " Oh man I like your T-shirt, I surely would love to take that back home with me" I told her I had brought it in Paris on a previous poker trip but maybe we could talk about it at the end of the holiday. As the ship moved out from Miami Keys, on-board was a welcoming party for all the players, it was like a 'who's who' in the poker world. I met up with old pal's 'Paul Harrison' and 'Roy boy 'Brindley' we laughed about the previous year in Barcelona and our greyhound days,, jeez that guy...does like a social drink, wouldn't let me buy a round !! Jeff 'j affa cake' Kimber, Paul 'action jake' Jackson, Dave Devil fish, Andy'greekfish' and so many others, including Norman Pace (such a nice man) I think he still owes me half a Guinness though ? Along with others was James Browning who i had a long chat with on the top deck later in the voyage, and I'm still not sure but I swear it was Richard Orford in one of the ring games ?? Anyways it was the early hours before I got to bed, I blamed Roy for that the next morning as I went to the card room to play the first day of the big tournament..... Once I got myself seated, I found myself opposite Mark Goodwin ( he can talk for England) and then looked around to find it was my dealer friend the lady I had met as we boarded. "Why hello Mr T-Shirt" she said while shuffling the cards. 'Oh it's you", "Debbie from Dallas is it ?" as i smiled for a reaction ! "Hmm No, Allie actually, but I have seen the film thank you very much !!" "My names Benny Allie , were going to get on fine, you and me' Everyone on our table had a smile as the tournament director called for the dealers to shuffle up and deal. As I looked around I noticed all the dealers were wearing the same polo tops all in black and embossed on the back in big red letters the word 'Dealer" !! The game had been going only around 15 mins when I said to Allie, "Tell you what, I'll swap that Paris T-shirt for your Dealer Shirt " "Oh man, really ? ..... it's a deal", she replied. We smiled and at this point I hadn't played a hand but that was all about to change. Now as anyone will tell you, my way of playing this game is 'loose and looser', depending on my alcohol intake but in this instance I was running on the previous nights fumes and I was on the Big Blinds and looked down after there had been a raise in early position, everyone else had passed .. I found KK ... ... I looked up to see my aggressor looking at me for some action.... I looked to the dealer Allie, and said, "Allie, hows ya love life in this kind of job" ...bewildered looks, raised eyebrow, and squiggled up nose then a smile she said. "infrequent" ! "Oh really,' I replied, "and would that be one word or two' ? I looked back to my cards with a smile.. Allie replied. "Benny the raise is to you,' and with a smile said, ' NO its not two words !!'  "hmmm yes I know it's my bet, Ill re-raise' . . . 'All-In' !!!!! The aggressor looked up, as did the whole table even Mark stopped talking to see what was going to happen !! ....... The aggressor look back to his cards thinking , and then decided to call, turning over QQ. We both stood up as often the way with two players being All-in ... I turned to Allie and said, "No miracles now !!' .. the flop was blanks ... the turn a blank .. the river card , the Queen of hearts !!! I shook my head, smiled at Allie saying' "your T-shirt young lady, is in room 425 !! I wished everyone at the table good luck as I walked to the door and out on to the sun deck. I looked out over the Atlantic Ocean, my head was spinning , I bit into the bent knuckle of my forefinger !! "Aaaggghhh" I looked up, the sky was covered in this huge rainbow, when an American voice coming from over my shoulder said. "Isn't that beautiful" ? I looked to see it was one of the American male dealers out for a smoke break. "Oh bloody marvelous that is", I commented, ' like ive travel eight thousand miles over here to play one hand of poker dealt by your mate Allie, and to see some bloody Finian's Rainbow!" "Oh Allie must have dealt you a bummer back there, I'm sorry she's not that reliable when it comes to dealing but I think she might make it up to you later, my names Tom by the way"! I looked around and with a wry smile and replied. " Look Tom your a nice guy and Allie looks a lovely lady but right now I don't need to have my head bang ed on some 'Philosophers Stone' by someone who thinks 'Finian's Rainbow' is for real" After sitting on the top deck soaking in a open Jacuzzi and sunbathing with several large vodka 'Moscow Mulls' all afternoon I went back to my cabin to get showered and changed for a night in the bars ... suddenly there was a knock on the cabin door......with just a towel wrapped around me i opened the door ... "Ughhhhh" my mouth dropped as this vision in blue was standing there !!  It was Allie, looking for all the world a movie star........ "Hi Benny, Tom told me you took that bad-beat a bit hard so as I'm off duty for the night I thought we could go to the karaoke and have some fun ?" I looked her up and down and smiled .. It was the blue high heel shoes that did it for me... "Come in Allie, give me 30seconds to get ready we are going to a 'rock'n'roll' party and you can be the Queen of hearts" !! We walked down the corridor arm in arm to the dance floor, Dave Devilfish was on the microphone singing an Elvis song, 'Jealous Minds', good he was to ! Me and Allie chatted about greyhounds and puppies and her life in Vegas, danced and drank till the early hours.. ... One thing that Tom was right about, was that Allie was the Queen of hearts. Well over that next ten days I'd forgot about the tournament played in some un-real cash games and broke even on the trip. Allie and I exchanged T-shirts before we said goodbye, and even today I sometimes wear it to a Live poker event, just to remind me of the dealer who dealt the 'Queen of hearts' !! I remember the night flight home across the Bermuda Triangle as the plane went around a storm , the bumps and buffeting as if someone or something was trying to shake the................................ "Oi Oi Hey Benny wake up !!" "Wake Up" !!!! ..Someone was shaking my shoulder !! "We are closing now .. we've finished your wash and we are closing up now, time to go home", "you've been talking in your sleep about blue high heeled shoes and greyhounds ?" I looked up to see as the two cackling biddies were walking to the door, my washing was neatly folded in the two bin liners. I smiled and said, "Oh, thank you I wasn't asleep, just resting my eyes and reflecting on a time, when I nearly found 'Finian's Rainbow' .... at a poker game. !! Benny ;/
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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#129
February 8th, 2010, 17:04
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Speaking Womaneese
HOW TO SPEAK "WOMANEESE"!!
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish --- 49 Adventurous --- Slept with everyone Athletic --- no t its Average Looking --- Ugly Beautiful --- Pathological liar Contagious smile --- Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure --- On Medication Feminist --- Fat Free Spirit --- Junkie Fun Person --- Annoying New Age --- Body Hair in the Wrong places Open - minded --- Desperate Outgoing --- Loud and Embarrassing Passionate --- Sloppy Drunk Professional --- B itch Large Framed --- Very Fat Voluptuous --- Hugely Fat Looking for Soul mate --- Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes --- No 2. No --- Yes 3. Maybe --- No 4. We need --- I want 5. I am sorry --- You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk --- You're in trouble 7. Sure OK go ahead --- You better not 8. Do what you want --- You'll pay for it later 9. I am not upset --- You better believe I'm upset 10. You're very attentive --- Is s ex all you ever think about MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am Hungry --- I am Hungry 2. I am Sleepy --- I am Sleepy 3. I am Tired --- I am Tired 4. Nice Dress --- Nice Cleavage ! 5. I Love you --- Let's have s ex now 6. I am Bored --- Do you want to have s ex now. 7. May I have this dance --- I'd like to have s ex with you 8. Can I have you number --- I'd like to have s ex with you 9. Want to go to a movie --- I'd like to have s ex with you 10. Can I take you to dinner --- I'd like to have s ex with you 11. Can I walk you home --- I'd like to have s ex with you AND FINALLY Scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For Example When women are ovulating she will prefer rugged masculine type However when she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol set on fire with scissors stuck in one eye and cricket stump shoved up your harris
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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#130
February 10th, 2010, 21:47
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman ?" 
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Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
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