Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

bennythedip2 · #**401** January 2nd, 2015, 14:10

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

bennythedip2 · #**402** January 5th, 2015, 21:06

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it
to her along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch.....

It's an Audi".

.....

Part-Timer · #**403** January 9th, 2015, 15:03

I think Tony knows a few of these

Wanted,

A skilful schooling jockey who can stop
over ahead of work mornings to ride
one a few times, guaranteed juicy back
bacon after. Gallop in construction, left-
hander on completion of job, big plans.
But please refer only to lines 1, 3 and 5.

bennythedip2 · #**404** January 10th, 2015, 10:58

A Glasgow couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, " £100.”

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What can he get for thirty?? "A hand job," the husband replied.

She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to the husband.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70 . .

bennythedip2 · #**405** January 10th, 2015, 13:34

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.
Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. '

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '
What's up, love?' he asks.
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness.....

Tony2005 · #**406** January 13th, 2015, 17:04

A dad posted an hilariously honest eBay advert selling his teenage son's car which describes it as a 'dustbin' with seats that don't work because of all the girls getting in and out.

Nigel Stewart-Stone, 50, was so fed up with 19-year-old Dalton's careless attitude to the car he titled the eBay listing: "Who would buy it?"

He apologises for the state of the black Renault Clio and says it is full of litter and has dents in it where his son climbed onto it to try and get in the house.

The full advert reads:

"This car belonged to my 19 year old son, who now has a new car, I can only apologise for the state of it, clearly he will treat his new one the same.

"OK , the passenger side has a large dent on it , where my son tried to climb the corner of my house, I did tell him that if he is going to insist on going back and forth on the wall the dent will get bigger !!! and the drive way is only 10 feet wide after all.

"The clutch is now slipping, again he did not know this, as loud music is the preferred thing, and could not hear it slipping, just wondered why it took him longer to get up a hill!!! still there is enough clutch left to get you home, I think?

"Surprisingly the electric windows still work well, considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore, still makes it hard for them to escape his deafening music.

"There may or may not be any oil and water in the car, despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained, I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke, he would have washed it occasionally, but said 'not really worth it now is it dad', as its got a big dent on it!!! and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil, the red light would come on!!, still he does have a brand new set of mats in the boot, bought when he first had the car.

"There may be the odd ripple in the front of the bonnet, but according to my son that was there when it was bought for him, and nothing to do with sitting and chilling on it, may be it was a better place to sit than the passenger seat!

"It does have the other alloy wheel in the boot, with a puncture, but if he gets another puncture he will use one of the other three on the car.

"The drivers seat has a hole in it, this was done killing time, whilst stuck on the side of the house performing modifications to the side of the car.

"The rear of the car is in fact a large dustbin for discarded fruit, and McDonald's, not for carrying passengers, but still he says he's loving it!!!

"Anyway if you think this car may be suitable for your son, please go ahead and buy it, its after all in the perfect state for any teenage lad, and will save them all the time and effort that my son has put in to it, getting it this way.

"It's now down to me to dispose of this wonderful car I bought him many years ago, now he has a new one, he thinks that you just leave it parked on the side of the road until someone comes and takes it.

"Its not how he has treated the car since he has owned it that worrys me, its the fact that he now has a new 14 plate car, which incidentally will be coming up for sale in a similar state in some years to come, although he informs me he will look after this one because it has 'no dents', and is clean and shinny, and doesn't need washing, to my surprise he went and bought a new set of matts for it, 'there in the boot', is this history repeating itself?

"When I told my son I was selling it, because he now had a new car, he said 'well who gets the money?' I said me of course, but it won't be much as the car has had it, to which he then replied, 'that's not fair, it's a good car, nothing wrong with it," and that he should get the cash.

"I offer absolutely no warranty with this car, and many thanks for looking.

"Nigel, a devoted father with much patience."

bennythedip2 · #**407** January 17th, 2015, 21:38

GOLFERS STORY

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,
"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really?
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

bennythedip2 · #**408** January 30th, 2015, 19:50

A man received the following text from his neighbour;

I’m so sorry Bob, I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess – I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact,

I have probably been getting more than you, I do not get it at home but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my

sincerest apology along with the promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and feeling betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word shot his wife dead.

A few minutes later a second text came in;

Bloody Hell! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your Wifi ..

bennythedip2 · #**409** February 2nd, 2015, 19:44

To avoid any potentially embarrassing questions about getting your anus bleached,

Just tell people that you're changing your ringtone.

..

bennythedip2 · #**410** February 10th, 2015, 17:22

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES ..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!! ....