Benny the Dip is Unwell !!

[bennythedip2]

Scots dont eat 'deep fried mars bars' !!

They eat pasta and 'Dolmio' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYcQ-iU5GbE

[bennythedip2]

The husband just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

So up he got and stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife ,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law'.
'You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert'.
'After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want'.

'Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax'.
'You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe'...
'Then, you will massage my feet and hands'.!!!

'Then tomorrow,,,, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair' ??


Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,






'The f*ckin' funeral director would be a good guess.'




PRICELESS !!!

[bennythedip2]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PQitC-z73o

[bennythedip2]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.


Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?


He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T




I used to like Eric, the little bastard . . .

[bennythedip2]

Global Facts About Sex



At Any Given Moment: ..
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!



FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.



FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.











You hang in there, Sunshine .......

[bennythedip2]

Airline Announcements



United Flight Attendant announced,
'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


*************************************



On landing, the stewardess said,
'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '


*************************************



'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'


*************************************



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.


She said,
'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'


'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'


The little old lady said,

'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


***************************************






After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'


*************************************



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


*************************************



Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'


***********************************



'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


***********************************



'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'


******************************************



Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


****************************************



After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'


****************************************



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'


****************************************



Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'


****************************************



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, njava-script from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


A passenger in Economy yelled,

'That's nothing. You should see the arse of mine!'

[bennythedip2]

True Fact ..

History Mystery


Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.



Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.


John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.



Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

[bennythedip2]

This complaint received by the Passport Office.


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-*******-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I
die!!!!!!


I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an'
me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my ******* address !!!!



What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal ********s
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please
tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in
the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd
want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
£30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd
rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then have to find some ******** to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776 ......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me
to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ..........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN ******* PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,

[bennythedip2]

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20

minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.


The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all we say.

[bennythedip2]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,




'Is that Fanny Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,




'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.


...