Extraordinary behaviour really.”
The phone rang and and Ernesto said, "Benny guess who's at Ascot today, International Financier and Playboy, Ali Irvano" !!! "O'k Ernesto come and get me, i'm on the beach at Camber Sands" !! Now not exactly Monte Carlo i know but us poor punters get our kicks anyway we can .“We arrived at the racecourse by helicopter with my friend's Ernesto and Valerie the actress. "No Amy then Valerie" ? I enquired, "No" she said, "If she stands up she might make it later" !! As we disembarked I noticed a figure in a heavily stained overcoat trapped beneath the aircraft! I thought we’d killed someone, however, it was this Ladbrokes fellow. He was mumbling ‘Get this F~~~~n thing off me.’
Mister Ivano came over not looking to pleased, as we freed him and I proffered him my hip-flask. He greedily drained its contents as I tried to restrain him. Valerie and I assisted him to the weighing room where they fixed him up with a mug of tea and a fresh pair of trousers. I revealed to him that my hip-flask had contained a medicinal draught, known in showbiz circles as a “Percodan Perambulator”. Dean Martin put me onto it. You can get blind drunk on it and still walk, but you only need a sip. He failed utterly to comprehend the meaning of this news, and in fact spoke lucidly to me about his childhood for ten minutes or so before dropping the mug of tea and keeling over. It was then I think that he banged his head.”
We were introduced to Mr Irvano who also revealed that his companion, Anna Robinson, is suing the Ladbrokes chappie for suggestions and moves he made toward her as she attempted to give him the “Kiss of life”. Laddie fellow claims in his defence that he “must have been got at” and that “anyway, she made the first move”. Dashing Euro MP, Sonny 'boy' Lennox spoke with Laddie in the gents: “I could hear someone singing an old Bob Dylan song, it was Shane. I recognised him as he clambered over the top of my cubicle. I tried to calm him down, but he began chopping out lines of cocaine! I stopped that right away, the stuff was everywhere. I hurried him to Ivano's private box where I poured black coffee down him. To no avail. He quickly became objectionable and launched into an anti-Irish tirade, claiming the IRA were after him with helicopters because he knew what really happened to Shergar! Incredible stuff. I’m sure he was concussed. The last straw was when he unzipped his fly and pissed over the verandah onto the crowd below. It was chaos, they were throwing bottles into our box, we had to ask him to leave.”
His whereabouts for the rest of the day remain a mystery. Unreliable reports include a drunken appearance outside Windsor Castle, where a verger saw a “religious maniac” whipping a great oak door with a Long Tom.
Later that night a man answering his description was seen attempting to scale the wall of Ascot Ladies College. Who was it Shane or Laddie's man, dont ask !!! .......
benny